drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
