You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
