Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
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