I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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