Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
