He disabled his match.com account in front of me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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