I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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