Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
