I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize