the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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