I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Randomize
