i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
