So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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