bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
