I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
