did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
