Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize