nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
