Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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