as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
