I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
