I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
