I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
