I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
