who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
