My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
