i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
