I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
