Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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