Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
