Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
