took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
