Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
