here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
