I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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