I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
