new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize