Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
NoShamevember. You game?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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