Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
