If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
