i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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