Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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