i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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