I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
