Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
