Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
