maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
