Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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