Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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