Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
