Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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