Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
