I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
