So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
