i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
