Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
