she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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