I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
