Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
