I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
