Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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