My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
